"After thousands hours of prayer and meditation over the intervening years, I can state unequivocally that childlike surrender in trust is the defining spirit of authentic discipleship. And I would add that the supreme need in most of our lives is often the most overlooked-namely, the need for an uncompromising trust in the love of God"-Brennan Manning(my favorite author)
I want my life to actually count for God. I want this summer to count for God. Of all the fears I have, my main one is that I will take this life, namely this summer- as its approaching so soon, lightly. What if someone is changed by God's grace through what I say or do?(I think I say the word "grace" in every blog, oh well)Whether that someone is positively changed or negatively changed. What I say and how I act is huge all the time, but I am convicted especially to clean up my act because it could aid in changing someones mind about Jesus in the Philly. I know that either my actions will attract them to Him or turn them away.
With that said, I have been thinking alot lately about what exactly I will say to them as I share God's gospel. I read Paul's notes on the thought of teaching the gospel and he said he came just as he was and "preached Christ and Him crucified", no fancy words or fluff. Just God is love, He sent His Son, place your trust in Him. Paul touched me when he said at first he couldn't talk that well but he kept going anyway and let God do it through him.(He would. That guy lived crazy Venti!!)
Have you ever thought what God has called us to say to the lost- specificly? Our testimony of love and trust in Him, of course. In order to share this message of trust with the world, I want to make sure my personal trust is huge in this loving God. I am always questioning whether I have the right view of God so when He calls me to speak into others lives, I am telling them absolute truth. And that it is truth I have uncovered through His Word for myself, not that I have just been told.
Perfect love casts out fear. That is what I want to do this summer and pretty much my life, through actions and words. Cast out fear with God's redeeming,life-changing,tear-jerking, unbelievable love.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Thoughts on shots...
I woke up this morning, rolled over,opened my eyes, then sat up straight in bed. "Ugghh, today is needle day", I said to myself. I was scheduled for an appointment with a travel medicine specialist downtown at 9:30. Needless to say, I was slightly anxious. But, I had already had a few pinpricks to the bicep a couple weeks before at my doctors office. Not fun, but no big deal. These particular shots were a little different- for one thing they are very expensive(God provided the money for the first installment about ten minutes before we left, no joke) and the immunization center is downtown in the middle of a huge Veteran medical clinic.
When we arrived at the clinic, there were alot of old veterans with wrinkly tattoos on thier arms and hats with badges on them standing around all throughout the place. They stared at me and Mom like, what are you doing here?? We went up five floors on an elevator to a small office with a few chairs inside. Maps of the world blanketed the walls and while I waited I scanned them for my destination country absentmindedly. Soon, a colorful character emerged through a door and beckoned me into her office. There, she sat me and Mom down and first asked me about the trip and my age and the conditions in which I would be staying. After a few cracks on her part about my eating mainly rice and sleeping in tents, we got to the good stuff.
She told me I for sure needed a Typhoid shot. Then I asked her about the second shot I had written down called Japanese Encephalitis, carried by mosquitos. This was when she dropped an unexpected bomb. She told me all about the virus and how one in every four cases of the virus are fatal(people die basically) and how common it is when you are outdoors in a rural area overseas. I was like ok, whatever, stick me!!
However, the shot, is only given at high-risk to the patient because it causes an anafallactic shock commonly in the first thirty minutes after recieving it! Also, she informed me I am at higher risk for this sort of reaction because of a cell disorder I have had since I was little. The whole conversation was stressful and she said she would have to expedite the shots and give them to me closer together because I am leaving so soon. I would wait till the last minute!!Procrastinator!! This basically put me at even greater risk for this whole reaction bit. I almost finked out, but Mom was really awesome and brave about the whole thing and told me I would be fine and that it wouldn't be good if I didn't get the shot because what could happen and you know Mom stuff...so, I agreed to get poked.
The lady brings out a Epipen in case of the reaction before she gets out the shot and shows me how to use it(in case the reaction happens after we leave). I was terrified and began reconsidering this shot business. Typhoid came first and then right after she put in the odd one right below it. i breathed heavy and prayed(I think) nad waited for my lungs to close...they didn't. I was so nervous for the next thirty minutes while the lady drilled me about travel safety and kept asking me if I felt 'ok'. After the time passed she warned me that for the next month I would have to carry an Epipen becuase for ten to fouteen days after the shot you can get the reaction, theres just a smaller chance. So, for all my melodrama, it went fine.
But, the thought is that I have to go through the same process next week with the same chances and risks and then again two weeks after that. So, jokes aside, I am mildy nervous about that. God will take care of me, this I know( so don't put that your comment-just kidding!) I fully realize this fact. I am not doubting Him and I feel fairly confident for next week since I survived the first set with ease. I am actually just ready for the shot stuff to be done and for time to pass quicker so I can get on that plane!!!
When we arrived at the clinic, there were alot of old veterans with wrinkly tattoos on thier arms and hats with badges on them standing around all throughout the place. They stared at me and Mom like, what are you doing here?? We went up five floors on an elevator to a small office with a few chairs inside. Maps of the world blanketed the walls and while I waited I scanned them for my destination country absentmindedly. Soon, a colorful character emerged through a door and beckoned me into her office. There, she sat me and Mom down and first asked me about the trip and my age and the conditions in which I would be staying. After a few cracks on her part about my eating mainly rice and sleeping in tents, we got to the good stuff.
She told me I for sure needed a Typhoid shot. Then I asked her about the second shot I had written down called Japanese Encephalitis, carried by mosquitos. This was when she dropped an unexpected bomb. She told me all about the virus and how one in every four cases of the virus are fatal(people die basically) and how common it is when you are outdoors in a rural area overseas. I was like ok, whatever, stick me!!
However, the shot, is only given at high-risk to the patient because it causes an anafallactic shock commonly in the first thirty minutes after recieving it! Also, she informed me I am at higher risk for this sort of reaction because of a cell disorder I have had since I was little. The whole conversation was stressful and she said she would have to expedite the shots and give them to me closer together because I am leaving so soon. I would wait till the last minute!!Procrastinator!! This basically put me at even greater risk for this whole reaction bit. I almost finked out, but Mom was really awesome and brave about the whole thing and told me I would be fine and that it wouldn't be good if I didn't get the shot because what could happen and you know Mom stuff...so, I agreed to get poked.
The lady brings out a Epipen in case of the reaction before she gets out the shot and shows me how to use it(in case the reaction happens after we leave). I was terrified and began reconsidering this shot business. Typhoid came first and then right after she put in the odd one right below it. i breathed heavy and prayed(I think) nad waited for my lungs to close...they didn't. I was so nervous for the next thirty minutes while the lady drilled me about travel safety and kept asking me if I felt 'ok'. After the time passed she warned me that for the next month I would have to carry an Epipen becuase for ten to fouteen days after the shot you can get the reaction, theres just a smaller chance. So, for all my melodrama, it went fine.
But, the thought is that I have to go through the same process next week with the same chances and risks and then again two weeks after that. So, jokes aside, I am mildy nervous about that. God will take care of me, this I know( so don't put that your comment-just kidding!) I fully realize this fact. I am not doubting Him and I feel fairly confident for next week since I survived the first set with ease. I am actually just ready for the shot stuff to be done and for time to pass quicker so I can get on that plane!!!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Training-I feel Philippino already!
Okay..training..wow..there is so much I wanna say about it. First off, swell weekend! I was scared that I was so underqualified and just too young and you know the whole bit...But, after the weekend I felt more confident that maybe I could make it thru...I met a guy who was a native Philippino(he is gonna minister somewhere else this summer though which I thought was awesome) and he told me that the people on Camotes are incredibly friendly. He said they love to get all up in your personal bubble and are just sweet people(Chelsey Reinhardt Island). He said they are receptive to the Gospel but just as in America some choose religion over Jesus. The first night we played a game called cultural bingo and broke the ice between everyone through the game. We talked about how our worldviews could be wrong and how we should be completely open to other cultures if we expect them to be open to our message. Never had that thought before then. (One girl I met smiled and put her hands in prayer position and did a quick bow for me while I looked down at my empty hand ready for a shake. She said she is spending two months in India this summer and was trying to practice some of the things they do now.) Then we prayed over different regions of the world in different groups all together out loud. It sounded like a swamp, but the cool thing was I wasn't at all intimidated and I found myself praying like I do in my own bedroom. God worked, because for some reason I feel awkward praying in front of people normally. then we paired off with one other person and were told to pray facing eachother, for each other, with our eyes open looking at eachother. Me and an amazing girl Sara went outside and prayed under a wooden cross just sitting on the grass and looking up at the stars. I have never felt more grace and wonder and awe. God just loves me and I don't deserve it, but He does. Sara's prayer was touching. She looked into my eyes and asked for God's protection for me. While I prayed for her, I asked Him if he would give us funds for our trips and I felt a weird sense of peace come over me. As I looked up at the cross I felt paid for. I told Sara what my thought was and she said she felt the same way and both of us felt assurance that money was not an issue God couldn't work out. I will never forget that night- when we prayed for the world and each other and sat under the stars and the cross.
The next day we learned alot about Culture shock and how it might affect us while we are over there. I hadn't even given that thought either so to hear about how to cope was probably good for me. Plus, a former journey'woman' taught us. She had gone with the IMB to India for TWO years. Her stories were so neat. I could write an entire blog on just those.Some legendary stuff.
Then that afternoon for lumch we all were corraled into a little house on the beach and given numbers. The numbers represented different tables of food. High class, middle class, lower class, poverty tables. Big shocker, I got seated at the poverty 'table', which was actually a rug on the floor. Our table description said,"You are at the lowest class table-In Poverty. Eat what is given and then you may choose whether you will beg from those more fortunate or not". we were given a giant bowl of rice with no seasoning or butter and told to dig in. While getting a handful with the rest of everyone in poverty, I had to watch people being served fried chicken, Cokes, and mashed potatoes at the highclass table. Once I realized the rice was gross and I was still hungry (and thirsty) I begged. But, when I did the 'waiters' screamed at me and told me to get back. At the end of the meal all the leftover food and drink from other tables were put in one five-gallon bucket and served to us. Needless to say, I learned alot about what it must be like to be in real poverty.
The rest of the afternoon we spent doing a five-hr Survivor training(glad that rice stuck to the ribs). We worked in teams on the beach mainly and had to fish, catch crabs, build a fire using a few things only, and also build a sandcastle to cover the entire firepit with three levels and four turrets in each level. It was so much fun, even if our team didn't win. I learned how to cast a net for fish(a big net too). Did I actually catch one? Nope. But cast it in the water? Oh, yeah.
After that, we got snack and then were given a gracious eating challenge in a circle with a missionary wacthing us try different countries foods. I ate dried tofu,jackfruit, other random stuff, and the worst, a dried sardine-get this-with an eyeball!!! However, I was told I looked at the little guy too long before actually eating it. He was looking at me too.
That last night we watched a video on tribal missions called Etow. I cried when we watched an entire village in Papau New Guina come to Christ. Then we filled the night with worship by a bonfire on the beach.
The next day we were prayed over and 'commissioned' by the local church. After, I had a few tearful goodbyes, but some of the people I grew close to are headin to the Philippines so I will see them again, but still. All the kids had a real heart for missions and none seemed to care that I was the ultimate rookie out of everybody. Great times, but just pray that God will continue to stregthen me. At the risk of sounding paranoid, I have felt an intense battle for my affections and plans lately and just darts thrown at me by the devil. He does not want me to be on fire or hyped for God,the Saviour. I am trying to stay strong but spiritually I know things are gonna get rough and I am feeling it now. I am a young person, now with God, and hoping to share Him with Camotes this summer. Satan doesn't like it and I totally feel that, so just pray for God's protection and grace in a big handful. I need it. But, I am pumped about the summer and trying to trust God on everything and the suffiency of grace.
The next day we learned alot about Culture shock and how it might affect us while we are over there. I hadn't even given that thought either so to hear about how to cope was probably good for me. Plus, a former journey'woman' taught us. She had gone with the IMB to India for TWO years. Her stories were so neat. I could write an entire blog on just those.Some legendary stuff.
Then that afternoon for lumch we all were corraled into a little house on the beach and given numbers. The numbers represented different tables of food. High class, middle class, lower class, poverty tables. Big shocker, I got seated at the poverty 'table', which was actually a rug on the floor. Our table description said,"You are at the lowest class table-In Poverty. Eat what is given and then you may choose whether you will beg from those more fortunate or not". we were given a giant bowl of rice with no seasoning or butter and told to dig in. While getting a handful with the rest of everyone in poverty, I had to watch people being served fried chicken, Cokes, and mashed potatoes at the highclass table. Once I realized the rice was gross and I was still hungry (and thirsty) I begged. But, when I did the 'waiters' screamed at me and told me to get back. At the end of the meal all the leftover food and drink from other tables were put in one five-gallon bucket and served to us. Needless to say, I learned alot about what it must be like to be in real poverty.
The rest of the afternoon we spent doing a five-hr Survivor training(glad that rice stuck to the ribs). We worked in teams on the beach mainly and had to fish, catch crabs, build a fire using a few things only, and also build a sandcastle to cover the entire firepit with three levels and four turrets in each level. It was so much fun, even if our team didn't win. I learned how to cast a net for fish(a big net too). Did I actually catch one? Nope. But cast it in the water? Oh, yeah.
After that, we got snack and then were given a gracious eating challenge in a circle with a missionary wacthing us try different countries foods. I ate dried tofu,jackfruit, other random stuff, and the worst, a dried sardine-get this-with an eyeball!!! However, I was told I looked at the little guy too long before actually eating it. He was looking at me too.
That last night we watched a video on tribal missions called Etow. I cried when we watched an entire village in Papau New Guina come to Christ. Then we filled the night with worship by a bonfire on the beach.
The next day we were prayed over and 'commissioned' by the local church. After, I had a few tearful goodbyes, but some of the people I grew close to are headin to the Philippines so I will see them again, but still. All the kids had a real heart for missions and none seemed to care that I was the ultimate rookie out of everybody. Great times, but just pray that God will continue to stregthen me. At the risk of sounding paranoid, I have felt an intense battle for my affections and plans lately and just darts thrown at me by the devil. He does not want me to be on fire or hyped for God,the Saviour. I am trying to stay strong but spiritually I know things are gonna get rough and I am feeling it now. I am a young person, now with God, and hoping to share Him with Camotes this summer. Satan doesn't like it and I totally feel that, so just pray for God's protection and grace in a big handful. I need it. But, I am pumped about the summer and trying to trust God on everything and the suffiency of grace.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Freakin out!!
Well, I have been packing all day-or trying to, anyways. I am leaving for missions training tommorro morning. I am very excited about the stuff I am gonna learn and the opportunity and the whole caboodle... but getting pretty nervous as we speak. I have pulled out every encouraging sermon and verse from the bible to pep me up about the trip. Right now I can't believe I am even awake because the day has been draining. I feel like a mad contradiction right now. Between feeling like Moses(I can't even talk right, God!) and then remembering that God made man's mouth. It is now more than ever that the bible touches me in a giant way. God has brought to mind a million situations of nervous, trembling disciples being called to greatness but scared to death. I feel God's call, but part of me puts up a wall of lame excuses of why I am not capable. Luckily, the other part of me is on board. I've been reading alot of the book of Joshua. Specifically the verse that goes,'Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go'. So fitting. Anyways, I feel like this blog has been all over the place and it should probably end before I stop making any sense at all. I shouldn't blog this late..or this early, however you wanna call it...
Monday, March 24, 2008
Legendary prayer
I've discovered a gem of a prayer in the little-read book of I Chronicles. I actually wasn't reading through the book or anything(the lists of the tribes don't really speak to my heart) but you've probably heard about the Prayer of Jabez book series. Well, I had too, but I didn't know what it was all about or if it was even in the bible. well, I started reading one of the books from the series. That's where I read the passage. I'm pretty sure its verses 9 and 10 of 1 Chronicles 4. I figured I'd go ahead and put in the blog.
'Jabez was more honorable than his brothers. His mother had named him Jabez, saying, "I gave birth to him in pain." Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request.'
It seems like God is always using little people who pray big prayers. I love that about God. He would answer the man whose name means pain. I realize the legendary series is over, but it was such a good thought I keep dwelling on it. I feel like that's all Jabez is praying. He is saying, "Dear God, let me be legendary for You."
'Jabez was more honorable than his brothers. His mother had named him Jabez, saying, "I gave birth to him in pain." Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request.'
It seems like God is always using little people who pray big prayers. I love that about God. He would answer the man whose name means pain. I realize the legendary series is over, but it was such a good thought I keep dwelling on it. I feel like that's all Jabez is praying. He is saying, "Dear God, let me be legendary for You."
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Have God. Will travel.
So, I haven't blogged in an age and a half! I wanted to tell you guys whats been going lately- even though I think most everybody knows about it already... I put in my application awhile ago for an all-summer mission trip to the Phillippines. About three weeks ago I found out I was accepted to go (with the International Mission Board) to Camotes Island, Phillippines for 55 days on tent ministries through out that area. The people group is largely Catholic(or claim to be) and there are very few christians living there. Of course, I am excited..but scared stiff! Have you ever come to the point where you realize no matter how much money, time, or ability you may have or lack, without Jesus' power none of it counts for anything? Like that hymn goes, 'Without Him, I could do nothing. Without Him, I'd surely fail. Without Him, I would be drifting, like a ship without a sail'. Just so ya know, I just sang those lines out loud. =) I've read about all these brave missionaries and then I look at myself and I'm like, "Jesus, you got the wrong girl!" Then I think about that whole legendary series and how God loves the ordinary, but even that provides small comfort at this point! In alot of ways,though, I can see God changing my self-discouragement into dependence on Him. Wanna hear something funny? Before I got saved I was overall confident I could go anywhere or do anything on my own strength and be lovely; and now I feel like I can do nothing on my own strength. In fact, my latest question has been 'What strength??' I guess I now see myself as I really am. My God is big, but I am small. My God is fearless, I am trembling. My God is complete, I am lacking. I don't have a cool way to end this blog, so I just wanna ask you guys to pray for me and the trip and the people and all of it. I realize now how important prayer actually is and how bad I need it and am gonna need it while I am gone. Ok, that is pretty much it... I'm gonna try not to wait years before I blog again....
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Saved
Alright, well, here goes...I'll start at the beginning. I write nervously but with a glad heart tonight. For the last three or four months I have secretly, but horribly been doubting my salvation. I had gotten "saved" when I was 11 and hadn't really grown for the first few years. Then at 13 I came to PLBC. I was uneasy in giving my testimony and doubted when I first came and joined. But, the youth was great and I didn't really take the messages seriously at first. Then, I began to do things to distract me from facing the burning in my heart and became calloused to conviction. I tried to do as many works as possible to please God. This seemed to satisfy me even though inside I knew anything less than Jesus wouldn't work. I began doing devotions for hours at a time, in an effort that God would be pleased. I learned alot about the bible, but it wasn't until I read about Grace that I understood fully that works just aren't where salvation is at. That was on my heart when I wrote Religion vs. Grace a couple blogs ago. You see, I had fooled myself for so long. But, God kept sifting me. Tearing at my heart and breaking me. I kept wondering what people would think of me. Essentially, what you guys would think. But, on the 28th,it got so bad I was willing to pray whatever. I knew I needed Jesus and peace of spirit. But, still, as Jacob wrestled God all night, I had too and that was the hard part. Not saying the words, but surrending myself. I talked to my mom and she said to do what my heart was telling me. So, I went to my room- sobbing. I prayed my version of the sinners prayer and was truly humbled to the hypocrite I was in that moment. I won't say after I felt any weird like dove of Christ, but I felt incredibly peaceful and sleepy. 'Sleepy' probably makes it sound anticlimatic but if you knew how little good rest I had gotten lately it was a beautiful thing. I truly believe God came into my heart and that He saved me. I was terribly broken, but my wrestling days were over. Jesus says He will give people rest and He did. After I got up my thought wasn't what people might think but that I needed sleep!! I got my rest and am feeling pretty good now. I haven't told anyone but my family and my friend Kelly yet. She gave her testimony before her baptism tonight and I spoke with her afterwards. Her testimony was so similar to mine and it truly was God working through her right to me. I am ready to tell now. Still apprehensive, but overall, just glad I'm saved. No longer an enemy of the cross, but a friend.
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