Freakin out!!

Well, I have been packing all day-or trying to, anyways. I am leaving for missions training tommorro morning. I am very excited about the stuff I am gonna learn and the opportunity and the whole caboodle... but getting pretty nervous as we speak. I have pulled out every encouraging sermon and verse from the bible to pep me up about the trip. Right now I can't believe I am even awake because the day has been draining. I feel like a mad contradiction right now. Between feeling like Moses(I can't even talk right, God!) and then remembering that God made man's mouth. It is now more than ever that the bible touches me in a giant way. God has brought to mind a million situations of nervous, trembling disciples being called to greatness but scared to death. I feel God's call, but part of me puts up a wall of lame excuses of why I am not capable. Luckily, the other part of me is on board. I've been reading alot of the book of Joshua. Specifically the verse that goes,'Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go'. So fitting. Anyways, I feel like this blog has been all over the place and it should probably end before I stop making any sense at all. I shouldn't blog this late..or this early, however you wanna call it...

Legendary prayer

I've discovered a gem of a prayer in the little-read book of I Chronicles. I actually wasn't reading through the book or anything(the lists of the tribes don't really speak to my heart) but you've probably heard about the Prayer of Jabez book series. Well, I had too, but I didn't know what it was all about or if it was even in the bible. well, I started reading one of the books from the series. That's where I read the passage. I'm pretty sure its verses 9 and 10 of 1 Chronicles 4. I figured I'd go ahead and put in the blog.

'Jabez was more honorable than his brothers. His mother had named him Jabez, saying, "I gave birth to him in pain." Jabez cried out to the God of Israel, "Oh, that you would bless me and enlarge my territory! Let your hand be with me, and keep me from harm so that I will be free from pain." And God granted his request.'

It seems like God is always using little people who pray big prayers. I love that about God. He would answer the man whose name means pain. I realize the legendary series is over, but it was such a good thought I keep dwelling on it. I feel like that's all Jabez is praying. He is saying, "Dear God, let me be legendary for You."

Have God. Will travel.

So, I haven't blogged in an age and a half! I wanted to tell you guys whats been going lately- even though I think most everybody knows about it already... I put in my application awhile ago for an all-summer mission trip to the Phillippines. About three weeks ago I found out I was accepted to go (with the International Mission Board) to Camotes Island, Phillippines for 55 days on tent ministries through out that area. The people group is largely Catholic(or claim to be) and there are very few christians living there. Of course, I am excited..but scared stiff! Have you ever come to the point where you realize no matter how much money, time, or ability you may have or lack, without Jesus' power none of it counts for anything? Like that hymn goes, 'Without Him, I could do nothing. Without Him, I'd surely fail. Without Him, I would be drifting, like a ship without a sail'. Just so ya know, I just sang those lines out loud. =) I've read about all these brave missionaries and then I look at myself and I'm like, "Jesus, you got the wrong girl!" Then I think about that whole legendary series and how God loves the ordinary, but even that provides small comfort at this point! In alot of ways,though, I can see God changing my self-discouragement into dependence on Him. Wanna hear something funny? Before I got saved I was overall confident I could go anywhere or do anything on my own strength and be lovely; and now I feel like I can do nothing on my own strength. In fact, my latest question has been 'What strength??' I guess I now see myself as I really am. My God is big, but I am small. My God is fearless, I am trembling. My God is complete, I am lacking. I don't have a cool way to end this blog, so I just wanna ask you guys to pray for me and the trip and the people and all of it. I realize now how important prayer actually is and how bad I need it and am gonna need it while I am gone. Ok, that is pretty much it... I'm gonna try not to wait years before I blog again....

Saved

Alright, well, here goes...I'll start at the beginning. I write nervously but with a glad heart tonight. For the last three or four months I have secretly, but horribly been doubting my salvation. I had gotten "saved" when I was 11 and hadn't really grown for the first few years. Then at 13 I came to PLBC. I was uneasy in giving my testimony and doubted when I first came and joined. But, the youth was great and I didn't really take the messages seriously at first. Then, I began to do things to distract me from facing the burning in my heart and became calloused to conviction. I tried to do as many works as possible to please God. This seemed to satisfy me even though inside I knew anything less than Jesus wouldn't work. I began doing devotions for hours at a time, in an effort that God would be pleased. I learned alot about the bible, but it wasn't until I read about Grace that I understood fully that works just aren't where salvation is at. That was on my heart when I wrote Religion vs. Grace a couple blogs ago. You see, I had fooled myself for so long. But, God kept sifting me. Tearing at my heart and breaking me. I kept wondering what people would think of me. Essentially, what you guys would think. But, on the 28th,it got so bad I was willing to pray whatever. I knew I needed Jesus and peace of spirit. But, still, as Jacob wrestled God all night, I had too and that was the hard part. Not saying the words, but surrending myself. I talked to my mom and she said to do what my heart was telling me. So, I went to my room- sobbing. I prayed my version of the sinners prayer and was truly humbled to the hypocrite I was in that moment. I won't say after I felt any weird like dove of Christ, but I felt incredibly peaceful and sleepy. 'Sleepy' probably makes it sound anticlimatic but if you knew how little good rest I had gotten lately it was a beautiful thing. I truly believe God came into my heart and that He saved me. I was terribly broken, but my wrestling days were over. Jesus says He will give people rest and He did. After I got up my thought wasn't what people might think but that I needed sleep!! I got my rest and am feeling pretty good now. I haven't told anyone but my family and my friend Kelly yet. She gave her testimony before her baptism tonight and I spoke with her afterwards. Her testimony was so similar to mine and it truly was God working through her right to me. I am ready to tell now. Still apprehensive, but overall, just glad I'm saved. No longer an enemy of the cross, but a friend.

Raw perserverance-be thou faithful unto death

I visited the Heartland nursing home a couple times this past week with my mom and the kids. Mainly, to visit a young man named Cantrell. And, yes, I said young man. Normally, the term 'nursing home' makes you think of elderly people who can't care for themselves anymore. Well, that is usually the case in most of the places like that. But, this particular man is in his mid-twenties. My mom stumbled upon him on one of her visits there a couple weeks ago. His story touched her heart. Cantrell was involved in a horrible car crash that fully paralyzed him about three or four years ago(we aren't sure exactly). He can't talk, move any limbs, his neck, or even his head to look at us. But, his mind still works fine. This level of human suffering is beyond what I've ever actually seen before I met him.When I walked in he shifted his eyes towards me and smiled at me. I could see the love of Jesus, past his injuries, right in his eyes. He nods his head slightly when he agrees with you and can sort of mouth words so my mom asked him about whether he knew Jesus or not. He just nodded and his face changed. We then sang some hymns and other praise songs we know to him. He closed his eyes and once tears fell down his cheeks. Though there are many tubes coming out of his throat and he can barely move, you can just see his heart is steadfast on Jesus. To be so young and so paralyzed and yet be so..saved. I don't know. You can do with Cantrell's story whatever you like, but for me I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed that I ask God to make life easier for me and yet there are those who cannot speak the prayer to ask Him. My studies on perserverance and consistency through troubled times seem laughable. I now see that maybe I've never had to taste trouble as I thought I had. With that shame, I also feel inspired to perservere because he can. Sometimes God brings us encouragement through another person and other times He gives us a wake-up call through somebody else. This guy was both of those for me. I realized in a moment the definition of perserverance. Though completely unglamorous, what a glorious thing to trust Jesus yesterday, today, and tommorro. I was talking to a friend one time and he said that you and God can get through anything together. This is true.

Religion vs. Grace

Lately I've been studying the topic 'Grace'. (naturally, since it feels like I need a buttload of it most of the time!!) When I was listening to a Relient K song the other day a line they sang stuck out to me. "The beauty of grace is it makes life not fair". The gospels are full of 'grace stories' as I call them. The woman at the well, the blind man, the paralyzed man and on and on. Reading these accounts of simple, perfect grace nearly brought me to tears at times. Jesus is grace personified for me, for all us. Not grace earned, but grace given. I can't hardly comprehend the grace of God. In my head I imagine the day Jesus was crucified and what heaven and hell must of looked like. The devil thrilled and jeering with his demons by his side looking down at Calvary. God's back turned to His beloved Son. I bet those three hours were dark in more ways than one. In that moment, all the godless religious practices and rituals of the world conquered the world, the disciples cried, Judas commited suicide, and Jesus was dead. I can't help but shudder at the dark time in history. But, then Easter happened. Ressurection happened. Grace happened. When I see people, even christians, so bent over by religion and restrictions and rules I wonder why Jesus died to set us free but still expects us to stick to legalistic views and judgmental attitudes? If we are free indeed then the only thing that should be fueling us to do works for God is our realization of His grace and our gratitude for that grace. Jesus didn't die so we could act like pharisees or sinners, He died so we could be saved. Bro. Kevin said one time at camp that God can't love us any more or less than He already does. God never asked us to be perfect, only to find His grace. What a beautiful thing that God could continue to love me the same way all the time no matter what I do, all because I've accepted His Son. After studying 'Grace' a little more I understand a little less. I realize I am ill-deserving of it and its power but somehow here I am engulfed by it. I can't explain grace at all, I can only say I feel it. The point is- don't let religion control you but be freed by conquering grace. Not so you can sin, but so you can show what's been so graciously shown to you.

Disturbed

Before I say anything else, I'd like to share a story I read a couple days ago while doing some pleasure reading in my freetime(I'm homeschooled. That's what we do for fun, that and making our own clothes,memorizing chapters of the book of Leviticus, and oh don't forget to milk the cows!!). What I read really bothered me where I almost felt uncomfortable. The story tells of an act of humiliation, set in the years before World War 2 ,by Nazi storm troopers who had captured an elderly Jewish rabbi. They brought the man into headquarters, where in the back of the big room he was carried to, a fellow Jew was being beaten to death. As he watched this, the captors stripped him naked and forced him to preach the sermon he had prepared for the coming Sunday in the Synagogue.He asked if he could wear his yarmulke. The Nazi's saw it all as a joke and gladly gave it over ,mocking him even more. As he, trembling fearful, talked on about walking humbly with God, the Nazi's jeered his humiliated frame and had him turned to see the killing of his fellow Jewish neighbor while he spoke. After reading this, I had no idea at first what to take from it. Then, as I kept on reading, the author compared this naked, humiliated rabbi in front of horrid persecution to that of our Jesus, hanging on a cross.The Most High despised by the world. Jesus Christ being spit upon. Mocked to the point that we placed a painful joke of a crown on the Saviour's brow. The words 'King of the Jews' above His head as he suffocated. The flogging and the cries of hate. The spitting and strikes to the very face of God! How can we even understand the shame, the torture,the exucution of Jesus?A thought comes to mind-we know of love and we know of disturbance. But, do we know of love so great it disturbs us? If we know Jesus, we very well should. His love turned to sacrifice- of Himself for us. I challenge you to let the love of Jesus disturb you. Don't EVER get over what He did for you. Keep near the cross,thinking of his scarred hands often,His blood shed, and overall His disturbing love which was displayed thru the cross.