TEN

I cannot sleep. It is 1 am. I just glanced at the clock and realized that I now have ten days before I leave. I have had trouble sleeping for the last three or four days. Just thinking, contemplating, waiting. I am a complete dichotomy these last few days. I feel at peace one minute and then the next I get a sick feeling in my stomach. In a way,this trip, this location has, at times, been my own proverbial Ninevah. Sure, I want to do this with all my heart and will do this with all my heart, but fear overtakes sometimes and I question my ability and my nerve and my sanity. I have made up my mind a couple times since being accepted that I couldn't and wouldn't do this. But, then, God would whisper and send someone along with a check, or an encouraging word. One friend of mine said sighns like these only confirmed that I am walking in the center of God's will. That in itself is terrifying, somehow. Center of God's will. Sounds like a book or something.

I am constantly thinking of this summer. Being without the safety net of family and friends I have always had. Missing my family, the youth group...but, I have been given a gift. The gift of being placed by God in a situation where I can only rely on God. For that I am thankful.

Thinking about surrender. Putting your whole existence into the hands of Christ and just saying,"You could destroy me or exalt me, make me wealthy or poor, bless me or curse me, but I am completely at Your mercy.You are my God and I am your servant. Take me. Use me." To make a statement like that, not with mere confession, but with your life..that is surrender. My goal for the trip is to be able to see at the end that I am a smidge closer to that kind of legendary thought.

Guess I am going to go to sleep now. I am going shopping tommorro for all of my trip stuff. I don't have right now all the money I need for the things I have to buy- God will do what he always does if I need whatever the items are that out of the price rage. Pray for clearance. Oh, and Baileys little chihauhau chewed a hole in my dufflebag. So, thanks, Dusty.